November

gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Nights grow long and I grow weary
Seriously though, November sucked. The annual SAD kicked in and took my legs out from under me. AND the job decided to be in overdrive and, given how shit my efficiency is at the best of times, this didn’t work well at all. I made an exit plan for the next year, that’s how bad it became. Fucks went right out the door one week and I started saying no to a lot of things. A few of those things technically count as my job, while others don’t. It was probably necessary, and yet, did I have to reach burnout and stress to get there? No. When will I learn this? And why is it so difficult for me to say no?
I would characterise my relationship with my job this month as me being a fish and it being land and expecting me to walk on it. In order to do so, I need to evolve legs and air-breathing lungs, which in reality means becoming an egotistical asshole like the rest of the leadership lurking the hallowed burrows of my employer. Something isn’t clicking for me with this job, and with the last one. I suspect it’s a mix of me being a fish that’s expected to walk on land when I thought swimming near it was the job description and therefore good enough, and the land being toxic passive-aggressive egotistical rocks unsuitable for delicate fish scales. They expect me to toughen those scales, grow some legs, and join the swarm in the earth. Fuck no.
I realise I just described fish scales as delicate, when they are anything but. I once descaled and gutted several fish which were gifted to me and the scales were sharp and annoying and got everywhere in my kitchen. Like glitter and socks, I kept finding them in odd places for months afterwards. Please just run with the imagery.
Writing: did Nanowrimo this month! Which didn’t help with the points above, if I’m honest, but I’m so glad something productive happened this month. The book isn’t completed and will need a serious overhaul once it is, so I’m under no illusions about it at the moment. It’s been fun so far. I can’t wait to keep going with it.
Reading: I read matrix by Lauren Groff. Recommended, it’s a fun read if you like medieval politicking, self-sufficient nuns, and lovely wordsmithing. In the middle of The Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet, which is delightful and informative.
Watching: still trekking through Crashing Landing on You. I also rewatched the How to Train Your Dragon films, which are incredibly good and I keep forgetting how good they are.
Music: discovered waulking songs! And little else. Turns out that when one is stressed and trying to write consistently for a challenge, music is tossed out the window.